I will do something on that date - kind of a "before and after" spread, but tonight as I'm sitting here on my computer, mind whirring away I am in deep thought about the last two years. I realize things now are not quite what I expected nor what I'd hoped, but at the same time so much better than I was or I could be.
When I went into surgery, I had a gung-ho outlook. I was certain that I was going to do everything right, exactly the way I was supposed to, forever and ever and I'd never have another issue with food for the rest of my life. I knew that the surgery wasn't a "magic pill" and I still had some work to do, but I never imagined I'd fall back into old habits so easily or that I'd start new bad habits. I thought my food addiction would be taken care of in itself - that since I couldn't eat, I wouldn't. I seriously went into this thinking all my food problems were going to be solved.
If only I knew then what I know now ...
I would still go through with surgery, there's no doubt in my mind that I did the right thing for myself. In a nutshell, the gastric sleeve saved my life. But I would go in with a different outlook and a completely different viewpoint.
- I would have found a good counselor that specialized in food addiction and visited them once or twice a month (or more often, if needed).
- I would have stuck with a good support group, or started one of my own close to home (I may still do this).
- I would have never asked about carbonated beverages (my doctor allows them at 6 months out).
- I would have forced myself to keep walking - no matter how much I didn't want to.
- I would have started using the phrase "I don't eat that" in reference to rice, sugar, and slider foods.
- "I can eat that and not get sick now!" would have never entered my vocabulary.
- I would have stopped looking for the magic diet that would cause the last of the weight to slide off my body.
- I would have learned to accept my body the way it was in whatever shape it was at whatever stage it was in.
- I would have thrown away my scale and my tape measure. Or at least I would have hidden them for months at a time.
- I would have prayed more through the process and allowed God to take control of the situation.
- I would have stopped reading up on every single diet fad that was going on (gluten free, anyone?).
- I would have allowed myself to live rather than worrying all the time.
- I would have eaten more salad and allowed myself to eat vegetarian meals once in a while.
- I would have eaten less potatoes and more whole wheat crackers.
- I would have run away from the sugar substitutes.
This journey has had some amazing things come out of it, however. For everything I've done wrong, I've also had so many things go right.
- I can cross my legs and touch my toes to the floor.
- I can walk up a flight of stairs and not get winded.
- I can jog.
- I can fit in almost any chair I come across.
- I only have to buy one airline seat.
- I can ride a roller coaster and not be worried that the harness is not attached properly.
- My shirt size no longer resembles a porn rating.
- My husband can wrap his arms all the way around my waist.
- My children can touch their fingers when they hug me.
- I've been known to look in the mirror and say something like, "Well, hello there you curvaceous beauty you!" when I feel especially good about myself.
I am not where I want to be yet. But not because of size or weight. For me, it's become more mentality thing. There is a certain mindset I need to be in. A certain place I need to go, emotionally. There are things that I need to deal with spiritually and psychologically. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is not through with me yet. My body is already a testimony, and I know that testimony will continue to grow and shift.
Will I continue to lose weight? I don't know. I hope so, but that is no longer my focus. My focus is to be healthy and to be a role model and spokesperson. To be an encourager and a supporter. I want to be someone that people look up to, that inspires people, and that makes people feel good about themselves and loved and accepted. I want God to look down on me and smile, and when my time comes to go Home, I want my Lord to look at me and say, "Well done, good and faithful servant".
Thank you all for joining me on this journey. I know some of you have been with me since my very first video before I had surgery. I love you all and appreciate you beyond words. I promise to continue to strive to be the best I can be at helping other attain their goals. I promise to continue to keep up with research and trends in the bariatric community and to continue to pass them on to you all. I promise to, with my mom, continue to make cooking videos and write recipes that are bariatric friendly, and family pleasers all at once. And I promise to keep God first and to let Him remain my focus.
God's blessings to you all!
<3 Jen <3
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